Marketing e-mail

A technology company was preparing a marketing campaign for a new suite of software. They wanted to send a marketing e-mail to potential customers, who were opt-in members of a business networking group.

This example compares the original draft text that we received with a new version that we created. We have changed the company name and the product name.

What we were given

The original e-mail message was written by a highly technical person who focused on software features, not on business benefits.

The largest problems with the original e-mail message are:

Original e-mail message

We are a Sheffield company and have developed new networking software (CoNet) as the alternative to solutions offered by Microsoft vendors. Initially targeted at the education sector, an SME version will be released in approx 3 months (CoNet Biz). The software is developed on Redhat Linux, is server based and runs Windows, Linux or Latest Mac O/S and applications on desk top PCs. As well as standard features, CoNet Biz will also include a host of special features to provide seamless networking, including CoStart, which re-installs a crashed or corrupted PC in approx 5 minutes, by Switch PC OFF/ON, type in key code, CoServe, (CD delivery accross network), CoService (remote servicing of system over Internet by XYZ), CoView (Admin overview and control of other PCs on network) and CoManage (Management interface for registration of users and their access to Internet, E mail, plus log-on record etc.) The system is not based on cost per client user license (you buy the software) and therefore offers approx 50% saving over other (MS) type solutions. This, coupled simple installation, low cost server access and updates by XYZ, virtually no permanent on site technical support due to CoService, CoStart and the extreme reliability of the server software, makes CoNet a very attractive alternative to current networking systems (see attached Data Sheet for Education version). As we have not yet approached the Business Community with BZ, it would be most valuable to receive members comments on their interest in such a system and the need for any other features that they would find useful. It is intended to arrange a demonstration to members in the near future, who will receive a 10% discount on purchase of system, approx cost £4,000 supporting up to 100PCs. I look forward to your comments. John Smith Joint M.D.

Our revision

Our new text is clearer to read. In particular:

Our new e-mail message

If you have a network of computers, or if you are thinking of setting up a network, this email is for you.

XYZ has been providing networking software to the education sector for many years. Now we are bringing our expertise to the general business community. Our new networking software (CoNet Biz) will be released soon.

CoNet Biz brings these basic benefits to your business:

In addition you can:

For a full list of benefits and technical specifications, see www.example.com/conet.htm.

We are looking for a few businesses to act as reference sites for us. In exchange, we will give you the latest version of CoNet Biz (worth up to £4000 depending on the size of the network you require) along with free updates whenever we upgrade the software. To find out more about this offer, please contact John Smith at XYZ.

Phone: 0114 xxx xxxx
Email: john@example.com
Web: www.example.com

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